THIS IS US

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After losing my job, I moved home and attended my cousin’s wedding. The morning of, someone asked where Grandma was. I said I’d find her. I went outside and there she was wandering around the parking lot — small, curly white hair, wrinkle-eaten face.

“Are you excited about the wedding?”…


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Yes.

Obviously.

It’ll be so hot.

Will it cause problems at work, increase anxiety, potentially destroy your career, and — worst of all — make things kinda awkward? Probably. But it’ll feel so god damn good that, while it’s happening, you’ll forget all about those things, and really, when was…


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*originally published in Lustery POV

When I was a kid, my uncle had a cyst on his knee. Every few days, it needed to be drained. When we’d visit, friends and family would gather around to watch him squeeze it until puss shot out onto a paper towel. To us…


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When I was a kid, there was a man in the neighborhood that everyone called D.F. He lived alone in a house made of stones at the intersection of a nearby road. His name did not stand for, as you might expect, ‘Decent Fella’, ‘Dear Friend’, or even, ‘Dancing Fool’…


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If you think that men can’t flirt with women anymore, then you haven’t been flirting.

You’ve been sexually harassing people.

I’m tired — just exhausted — of this incel parade of douchebags writing about how they can’t even talk to women anymore because of feminism.

“We can’t flirt anymore,” they…


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I learned a decent amount of Russian over the two years I lived there; I could order an iced coffee and explain why I want it even though it’s cold outside, I could say “excuse me” to avoid bumping into old women on the subway and beg for my life…


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Genitals are like Christmas presents.

If you sat cross-legged beneath a tree to open up a brand new penis, you might say, “Woah! Cool. How do you use it?”

And the giver would say, “oh, it’s easy, just go up and down on it.”

“With what?” You’d ask.

And they’d…


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*originally published in Lustery POV

When I was growing up, the idea of sending a dick pic to a stranger was beyond comprehension.

Not because of any ethical dilemma — no, no, it’s because if you wanted to send an anonymous dick pic, you’d have to use a camera, get…


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How do I know no one is using it?

Because I am perpetually having to use it to clean up my feed of people whining about other writers.

Seriously. Use Twitter if you want to bitch about people.

That is what it’s for. That’s the only reason it exists.

However much I agree with people about some other writers…


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1. Take your shoes off inside

This is not a strictly Russian habit, you can find it across Asia and peppered in and amongst the homes of cleanlier people, but it is a habit that I do not find often in America, yet have experienced everywhere in Russia.

It took me a long time to get…

Benjamin Davis

Columnist and author. My writing is like a bunch of people at a party trying to tell different jokes at the same time. benjamindaviswriter.com

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