My internal struggle as men at the gym keep trying to adopt me — I fit in at the gym about as well as a Disney Princess in a BDSM studio. I don’t get the culture: running, lifting, grunting, groaning, flexing. I’ve never understood the axioms of “power through” or “feel the burn” or “do three more.” The only times that “power through,” “do…

It’s not about the beaches or lifestyle — it’s about getting some damn peace and quiet. — The best part about living abroad is not lounging on tropical beaches, exploring castles, or scraping your knee after you each shit on cobblestone streets. No, it's that whenever you’re anywhere unless you’re exceptionally fluent in the local language, you cannot understand any of the dumb shit plastered all over…

Or just a petulant man-child? — When my friend told me, adoringly, how everyone hated her husband because he’s an “alpha,” I had to quietly vomit into my breast pocket before saying, “Yes, sure. That’s it.” This was after a day-long cookout where her husband insisted he knew the way to install a basketball hoop, set…

So why the hell did I think it was such a great idea? — *originally published in Lustery POV Sometimes I haunt my past self. I stand over him flabbergasted as he decides different dumb ideas are brilliant and he should do them; frosted tips two years after NSYNC broke up, a leather jacket without a motorcycle, and nairing his balls, for example. Recently…

Using your idiocy to your advantage while learning a language. — A lot of folks think that every ex-pat is a linguistic genius. We drop into countries, whip out our Duolingo — and within weeks, we’re chatting away with locals. Fuck no. Do you know how many noun cases there are in Russian? …

Please, please, please, please, please! — Everyone has a Freaky Friday Fuck. Even if you don’t know what that is (which would make sense because I made it up) you’ve got one. It’s the person you’d bang if you got freaky Friday-ed into a gender they’re attracted to. This concept took a whole new turn for…

Except this one…and this one…and this one — I dance like a wounded deer — if you see me on the floor, it’s best to shake your head and walk away. Without music, you might think I was avoiding a bee — or had just been hit by a car. This is what driving in Cairo is like…

Only go here if you’re a miserable bag of a — holes. — Have you ever drifted off to the sound of forty horses munching feed? Ever seen a dog shit on a rock taller than he? Ever recognized the same pale slice of meat three days in a row on the platter of a free continental breakfast? Have you ever had your…

No — really — I am running out of ideas. — Masturbation is like murder: if you don’t thoroughly clean up after, someone is bound to find the DNA evidence. This means that every boy who claims to not know how to clean their room is a fucking liar. …