No — really — I am running out of ideas. — Masturbation is like murder: if you don’t thoroughly clean up after, someone is bound to find the DNA evidence. This means that every boy who claims to not know how to clean their room is a fucking liar. …

And when you probably shouldn’t. — Sex is like frying an egg. It’s a goddamn mystery until you learn how to do it, and — even then — you’ll probably fuck it up the first few times you try. Eventually, it becomes the simplest thing to make — and then someone comes and says, “Yeah, but…

Over and over and over… — People like to think they’d have been the ones to discover gravity if Newton hadn’t beaten them to it. I can watch an apple fall from a tree, they think, and — they might think — I’d give it a cooler name, like ‘Mike’s Fally Stuff’. But that isn’t how…

And yet we still worship these guys. Yes, guys — The prevailing theory of “wealth” among people my age (millennial scum) is that it is inherited, whereas, the prevailing theory among older wealth-chasers is that millennials are a bunch of jealous little shitsticks. To this end, if you try to look up how wealth is created, you’re met with statistics…

My new favorite type of writing. — I came across a literary magazine recently with a unique offering — they were seeking submissions for ‘Speculative Diary Entries’. I read through the description, sat back, and thought: hell yes. …

For example: I forgot how to sneeze. — A year ago, I forgot how to sneeze. One day, when I was about to sneeze, my girlfriend stuck her finger in my mouth, and my brain broke. Since then, when I try to sneeze, I think, Oh, yes! I’m sneezing! And then I lose it. About three months in…

It just takes us all way too long to realize this. — When I was a kid, I had an uncle with no teeth who used to tell stories about a rabbit. He’d take out his false teeth, sit down on a stool, and all the children would gather around, cross-legged, hands-on-chins, doe-eyed, engrossed. When I was a teenager at an all-boys…

Also, is this cover photo too much? — *originally published in Lustery POV Men stick their fingers up their nose, in their ears, under their pits, between their toes, and into the corners of their eyes, sometimes — if not often — without washing in between. …