Published inHuman Parts·PinnedMember-onlyThat Time I Got Illegal Butt Surgery in RussiaHow I almost died after developing a perineal abscess — I was working as a journalist in Saint Petersburg when the butt pain started. The doctor’s heavy Russian accent made me believe I had “gemroids,” which sounded like asteroids made of gemstones, which seemed a lot better than what I actually had: hemorrhoids. More than a month later, it had…Humor14 min readHumor14 min read
Published inHuman Parts·PinnedMember-onlyContemplating My Bisexuality While Gettin’ SwoleMy internal struggle as men at the gym keep trying to adopt me — I fit in at the gym about as well as a Disney Princess in a BDSM studio. I don’t get the culture: running, lifting, grunting, groaning, flexing. I’ve never understood the axioms of “power through” or “feel the burn” or “do three more.” The only times that “power through,” “do…Humor9 min readHumor9 min read
Published inHuman Parts·1 day agoMember-onlyI’m 34 and Still Afraid of the DarkAnd you should be too. — When I was a kid, I used to sleep with a heavy comforter over my feet — no matter the season. I’d keep my legs wrapped up to my knees. Why? Witches, obviously. I knew — knew — that, if I were to lay with my feet exposed for more…Self6 min readSelf6 min read
Published inThe Writing Cooperative·2 days agoMember-onlyWhy I Submit to Literary MagazinesOne reason among many. — From 2011–2013 I worked as a door-to-door fundraiser for nonprofits. Each day we were given “Turf” — a spliced-up neighborhood of doors to knock on until someone opened, and I could vomit my script all over them. It was a fun job. Most people slammed the door. Enough didn’t. I…Literary Journals5 min readLiterary Journals5 min read
Published inFarewell Alarms·6 days agoMember-onlySo You Want to be a Freelancing Nomad? Yeah, OK.Here is a way for you to find out if you’ve got what it takes. — I’ve thought a lot lately about all of the misconceptions about the ‘nomadic lifestyle’ of freelancers like myself. I think it’s a problem of language — when you spend your life abroad, terms take on new meaning. For example, when someone back home sees ‘Travel Influencer’ they think ‘creative nomadic…Freelancing4 min readFreelancing4 min read
Published inThe Startup·Sep 11Member-onlyMy Company Spent 7 Months Trying to Avoid Shopify (We Failed)The curse of being an underfunded startup in the face of undeniable convenience. — My company had one rule when we decided to sell merch: Let it be better than anything that might get shot out of a cannon at a hockey game. Seemed like a fair goal. So long as you ignore the fact that I’m pretty sure my business partner Karina nor…Startup6 min readStartup6 min read
Published inSexography·Sep 6Member-onlyI Have a Penis ProblemFiguring out how to navigate the penis-checking policy among men is complicated. — In the locker room after my workout, a lovely man strolled out of the shower fully nude. With each step, there was a resounding THWACK of his startlingly gigantic penis hitting his legs. “Sup,” he said. “Uh — hi,” I spluttered. I couldn’t help staring at his penis. I wanted…Sex4 min readSex4 min read
Published inThe Haven·Sep 4Member-onlyYou Took My Breath Away, and Now I’m DeadSome conversation math. — I made the mistake of looking up how many breaths a person takes in their lifetime. 605,491,200 if we live to be seventy-two. So Elon Musk has roughly 100 times more money than I’ll ever have gasps of air. Neat. Worse — because it’s not like I can invest in…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published inHuman Parts·Sep 2Member-onlyEveryone Who Smokes Virginia Slims Is Dead Except Me. Apparently.I can’t believe I paid $14 dollars for this nonsense for five months. — I can’t say I’ve ever had my finger on the pulse of “cool.” For example, I have owned multiple leather jackets and not a single motorcycle; I got frosted tips six months after NSYNC broke up; the only commentary I have on an MMA fight is, “Why can’t I have…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Published inFarewell Alarms·Aug 29Member-onlyAfter 10 Years Abroad, These Few Portable Items Make Life Way BetterFive everyday things. — We spent the last week of our three-month Airbnb stay in Barcelona bucket-flushing the toilet with our previously-known-as popcorn bowl. Nothing on this list would have helped us with that situation. …Travel5 min readTravel5 min read
